Relationships with others can be a most difficult aspect of infertility. Sometimes it seems that it would just be easier to be alone and not deal with the questions, comments, and expectations of others. While ideally relationships should offer support and strength, in the reality of it all, the sorrow and betrayal of infertility often seems magnified as we associate with family and friends.
Community Participation--Please leave your comment below: It is impossible (and not advisable) to eliminate relationships with others from our lives, so, what do you do? How do you handle the comments and questions of others? How do you deal with announcements of pregnancies and births? How do you keep yourself afloat when you just want to disappear? How do you find contentment in a world where families with many children is an expectation?
Here is one from me:
Allow the door to be opened and then educate. More often than not, when people have brought up infertility with me, it has been done in a less-than-ideal manner. You can probably relate to the anger that is quickened by a comment or question that seems completely and totally insincere or offensive. You can probably also relate to using that anger to attack back, whether it be to their faces or behind their backs. It happens, let's just admit it...more.
Dealing with the emotions unleashed by the comments of others, especially of those whom you trust and love like family members and friends, can be excruciating. My husband and I have had every comment in the book come our way, as we have struggled with infertility for seven and a half years, and they have hurt each in their own turn.
I have learned, however, to step back from the comment and look around at the situation. What is going on that has caused them to say what they just said. For instance, this simple comment: “I wish I was as lucky as you and could sleep in on Saturday’s! My kids get me up at 6:00am no matter what!” My initial feelings are to say, “Why would you say this to me, don’t you know I’d trade my sleep for your kids any day!” But, then I step back and think about it. This person has no desire to hurt my feelings. They are tired. In that ten second interval, they probably do wish they could give their kids up for some sleep. In reality, I love the fact that I can sleep in on a Saturday – and don’t relish the fact that once I have kids – I probably won’t. But, I’d give up that sleep for children any day – and I know they don’t really mean what they say. They’re tired, and said something dumb to the wrong person. The thing is, I’ve said plenty of dumb things to people too; and I honestly hope they forgive me and move past the stupid comment, knowing I had no intention of hurting them.
It’s the same with comments that people make concerning adoption, infertility treatments, wives tale treatments for fixing the problem, and every other well intentioned “helpful” comment. They mean well, and they don’t understand how much it hurts. I remember that with every comment that I get, and repeat in my head “They mean well, they love or care about me, and wish they could help”. How often do I say something to someone, meaning well, and never knowing I hurt their feelings. It is the same with nearly each and every one of these people. They mean well, and they wish they could help. They just don’t understand. If helping them understand is appropriate for the time and place, I say something. If it is not, I move forward, knowing they meant well.
And then there are the cases where the person really just has no clue. Their comments generally reflect immaturity (be they young or old), and can be very hurtful. I remind myself in these cases that there was a time when I said things to people, because I was immature and did not understand. I regret those times, and wish I could take them back. Eventually, hopefully, these people will mature and understand; and just as I wish that those who I may have hurt in the past have forgiven me, I forgive those who hurt me in this way. It is not always easy, but I work very hard to let the hurt go.
Infertility and all that comes with it has been one of the hardest challenges of my life; but it has also been one of the greatest teaching and learning experiences as well. I have become a better, more caring and understanding person. I have been able to learn to look past the faults of others, and do my best to see what they truly are inside… people, just like me, trying very hard to do the best that they can with the knowledge that they have. May we always strive to grow from our trials, and ask our Father-in-Heaven to help us to; for He will always show us what we can learn from them and help to guide us through them.
I agree with LeAnn. I’m not perfect at it, but I think just remembering that we all have trials and struggles. They are just different. They need to learn to rely on the Lord just as I do. I have tried to educate some people, and have had it thrown back in my face. Its a touchy thing.
I also think for myself, I really rely on my husband in social situations. I am getting better at being alone, thanks to Relief Society and Visiting Teaching. But I do rely on my husband to quietly emotionally support me when we are at social functions together.
I actually haven’t had too many people ask me WHY we don’t have kids, most the time they just say “any kids?” and I say “Nope!” in a positive way. That usually ends the conversation.
I also think the best thing that has helped me, is to work on my own testimony. It was actually the turning point in my life when I was inactive after not being able to concieve for about 2 years. I was inactive for about the next 3 years, and shut myself off from the world, from family and friends. More importantly the church and God. But after some long talks with leaders, my dad, and my husband, my heart started to turn more to Heavenly Father. And now I know, even though I don’t have kids, I am fulfilling my purpose here. Trying as hard as I can to be more like the Savior. To follow the commandments. And I think that is the biggest thing a woman with infertility can do for herself to cope with social situations.