When I think of emotional and mental coping strategies, I think of those things that can help us deal with, tolerate, or manage the roller coaster of emotions infertility brings into our lives. We must admit that we often find ourselves...up...down... jerked around unexpected turns...turned upside down. Infertility is an ongoing emotional ride. I hate roller coasters; in fact, you will never find me on one. I don't like the uncertainty. I don't like the lack of control. I don't like how I can't focus on anything. I don't like being pulled this way or that. It is uncomfortable. It is debilitating. I can't wait until it is over. No wonder I don't like the emotional roller coaster of infertility, right?
Community Participation--Please leave your comment below: What do you do to help you think differently about or deal with the uncertainty, lack of control, "jerking around", confusion, and discomfort of infertility? How have you made sense of what you feel? What do you do to feel better in this battle of epic proportions?
Here are some from me:
Recognize that you are not alone. In your notebook, make a list of all the people you know who are dealing with infertility. Your list can include good friends, a member of your family, someone you go to church with, or a friend of a friend of a friend. Every person counts. List them by husband and wife since...more
Buy some note cards and a book of stamps. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I love writing notes (does it stem from high school?). I always get tasked with writing the wedding card, the shower gift card, or the birthday card. And...I LOVE IT! Call me crazy, but one of my favorite things to do is write thank you notes. But not just thank you notes for gifts received. I love seeking out reasons to praise others and I love seeking for things I am grateful for. Sometimes it is as simple as...more
* New * Take up journaling. Another one of my favorite types of writing is journaling. It is hard for me to find the words to express the power that journaling can have in our lives...but, I am not your every day journaling. Let me explain...more
I have found that talking to others who are dealing with the same issues helps me to get through my bad days and also helps when I can give others encouragement and advice. I found this great Yahoo group online that I joined that is just for members of the church who are dealing with infertility.
I have to agree…talking with others who have been through infertility or who are going through it at the same time as you are REALLY helps! I also have to think sometimes about some trials that seem really hard to me that others are going through and then I realize that this trial is actually not a big deal and that I can get through it with the Lord’s help!
It has helped us to break this down into two parts. First, acknowledging the inability to procreate and that it’s a loss. This is huge, because just as we mourn a death or a loved one moving far away, we have to let ourselves mourn the loss of these hopes and dreams of the way we would begin our family. This crucial step can take years, but it’s important and progression beyond that point can not happen without it. It must be gone through after all attempts at fertility have finished being tried, including any IVF attempts.
Second, focus on what we can do, not what we can’t. It is imperative to separate the fact that we can not physically bear children from having a family. Once a person is done grieving over the loss of the birthing process and all involved with a pregnancy, she and her husband can begin to consider options for having children. There are many options available, all at different costs to the parents. Some include domestic adoption, international adoption, foster/ adoptive parenting from your county, surrogate pregnancy with the help of a family member or friend… the list goes on.
It really helps to remember those two things. I physically can’t have children and that is a loss. Also, I don’t have children yet and that wait can feel like a loss every day. Look around you. How many families so you know that couldn’t have children, did all they could to make that happen, and ended up childless? It’s not many. Having children non traditionally may be more work and cause heartache during the wait, but we all have our trials and this one is definitely worth it!
I agree with the talking about things. Neighbors (when I feel safe to), certain family members, my husband. I also think I have learned sometimes I just have to let it out. Cry if necessary, vent to someone, instead of letting everything fester inside me.
It is interesting different perspectives though, even in our religion. My mother passed away from Breast Cancer when I was 4 years old. So being someone who has grieved, I have learned you never “just get over it”. You will go through times when you will be fine. It may even last years. But someday down the road, you will realize that you are still grieving. Somethings you go through leave you a different person then you were before. I believe this is especially true of Infertility.
But relying on the Atonement, and believing Christ when He says He will make it right in the end. Having Faith in God, for so many reasons. These are the truths I find myself coming back to time and time again for comfort.
One talk in the last General Conference really reminded me of something important. God loves us. Just one quote from the talk,
“Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.” President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, The Love of God, General Conference October 09.